A few thoughts

Our first house in Maricopa Az

(above) One of the best decisions I've ever made

Just a few of my Arizona memories:

Horse Shoe Bend near Page Az where Cam and I lived for 6 month after we were married. This is when my family came to visit

Water Holes Canyon. Mine and Cam's first adventure together

Kayaking the Salt River was a weekly event for Cam in the Summer and occasional I would take the weekend off work to go along and enjoy the SUNSHINE of Arizona.

It was apparent from the very beginning it was going to be a tough Job

I've had a couple thoughts over the past week or so that I've thought about blogging about so your going to get a jumble of different things.

First... I LOVE the SUNSHINE!! I'm like another person when the weather is nice. I'm so much more pleasant and easy going. I swear when I'm grumpy its all the clouds fault! (Light deprivation syndrome MAJOR!) Since I was 11 the majority of my life has been lived in warm weather places. I never knew how much I really enjoyed it until we moved to Utah last summer. The cold weather and snow was a little refreshing but after about a month I was done. I've been anxiously waiting for the time to get out my shorts and flip flops and I'm SO SO SO glad its hear. I'm sure we will have a few chilly days before summer is really here but I don't care I love the Sun. Jake, Baxter and I spend a lot of time on our back deck and I think Jake loves it as much as I do!

Second... I never thought I would say this but I miss Arizona. I didn't dislike it while we were there but it got really hard after my family moved away. I saw a picture of the Mesa Temple on my friends blog the other day and I was surprised when I got a little emotional and teared up. When I think about my life during the 4 and half years I was there, it was filled with lots of learning and growing and soul searching. I moved to phoenix when I was 18 after spending 10 months in provo. Provo proved to be a mistake and a learning experience, so when I moved to AZ to move back in with my family I was so glad to be "home" (home being anywhere my family is.) I also realized how much I needed good people around me and missed having my amazing group of high school friends around. I think I would have spent a really long time looking for that one person that made me feel like the "old Ellen" again. Luckily I didn't have to look for long because Cameron came into my life pretty quickly. He was a breath of fresh air for me, he felt like my security blanket right away. Heaven knows that after Provo, I needed him SO bad. I think it was hard for some people to accept mine and Cam's quick courtship and engagement but I knew I had to be with him forever. ok.. thats enough about that cuz I'm already crying! (I could go on and on about how Cam's saved my life!) ....... I learned so much about myself while we lived in AZ and I have so many amazing memories that took place there. Arizona will always have a very special place in my heart.

third... I am the only one who feels like being a mom is IMPOSSIBLE sometimes!?! I know I can't be. Nobody ever tells you how hard it really is, and if they did, you don't believe them until you are a mom yourself. I mean good heavens its hard, and I've only been a mom for a year!!! I am so extremely impatient sometimes I feel like I couldn't have been meant for this job! I very much like to be in control. I know its not a desirable quality to be a control freak but I'm not in denial about this weakness I have. That being said, I feel so out of control!!! Just when I think my everyday routine is finally getting a little bit more "controllable" something happens that throws it out of whack. That's life I guess, and someday I will have the patience needed to be the perfect Mom but right now I'm struggling. Don't get me wrong I LOVE Jacob so much and he is the source of the all the Joy Cam and I feel but its so hard not knowing what I'm doing most of the time. It's hard not knowing what Jake wants or what he needs 24/7. Most of the time my frustration isn't anyones fault but my own. I get so frustrated that I'm naturally frustrated (does that make sense?) Someday I will get this all right.

Those are the thoughts that have been going through my head lately. Reminiscent, Happiness and Frustration. Over all I feel pretty lucky to have such a good life. I feel so blessed to be so closed to our families and to get to spend a lot of time with them. Thanks for letting my vent.